One day, I will have to take responsibility for my failed relationships. The problem is, I'm really confused as to what parts are my fault.
You see, it's easy to point out all the reasons my exes were not right for me and why I've lost friends over the years, (not spiritual enough, not strong enough, not independent enough, etc), but it's a lot more difficult for me to discern what my part was in our failure. Did I expect too much spiritually? Do I lack so much empathy that I don't allow others to have moments of weakness? Is having a relationship with two independent people irrational and implausible? Where is the line drawn between having standards and having unrealistic expectations?
These are all issues I've had in the past when evaluating my relationships and friendships. It gets to the point where I even question my own worth or value to someone else because, like most people, I don't think I ask for a lot. I don't think it's a lot to want someone who loves God and His work as much as I do; someone who believes that ministry is a priority above all others. I think it's reasonable to expect someone to be able to overcome hurt, disappointment and problems to still complete the work that needs to be done because, truthfully, it's what I do. And I really don't understand the necessity to "be there" constantly because I can take it or leave it. Do I prefer that you are there? Of course. But if you aren't, it will not ruin my day because I have other things to worry about.
The problem is, however, that I don't have the option to date, marry or befriend myself, (well, I do but that would also call for an eternity of isolation and that's not preferable). Either way, if I ever want to be in a relationship with another human being, the undeniable truth is they will never be me. Which really means, I have to also understand that they will have different expectations and standards for me than I have for them.
So what does that mean for my part in failed relationships? It's simple. In any relationship, I have as much of a responsibility to live up to their expectations for me as they do to live up to mine. And I know that can become complicated because, naturally, I want fairness in life and relationships. But true love is unconditional and not reliant on what I get back in return. In short, I can only control me and how I act. After that, the rest is up to God.
All of this reminds me of a scripture in Ephesians 5 that many of us men like to quote in marriages because it tells our wives to submit to us. It's the perfect ammunition for any disagreement we have in our relationships and we use it as often as possible. However, the part that I'm reminded of follows these verses immediately and starts in verse 25 where Paul instructs us as husbands to "love our wives as Christ loves the church." I've always been challenged by this verse because I believe Paul gives us men a greater responsibility than he gives the wives. Because when I think of how Christ loves us in spite of our sin, stubbornness, disrespect and mistakes, I can't help but feel like it's almost impossible to replicate that. Christ loves us even when we take advantage of his grace and mercy. Christ loves us even when we completely disregard his feelings. He loves us no matter what, and that, in it of itself, is incredible.
I know there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, and I honestly don't think I'm looking for one, but I do know there is a perfect Christ who I can model my relationships after. It's for that reason that I refuse to be the common denominator of another failed relationship. Not because I won't be involved, but because...
The common denominator of every relationship I will have: Jesus.
