Alone in Paradise

Her: Do you ever feel like the more personal and intimate your relationship with Jesus becomes the more you feel isolated from the world?

Self: Absolutely. 

It was the only word I could think of at the time to accurately describe how I felt but she had no idea how much my soul jumped up and down in excited agreement. Finally, I thought, someone gets it! It was good just to know that I'm not the only one. Because every now and then, when I rant to my Self about this topic, he tries to convince me that I'm overreacting, complaining too much and really, just being soft. But I feel I have a legitimate argument that Paradise can be lonely sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I fully believe that there is no place I'd rather be than at the foot of Christ as Mary was in Luke 10. Being in love with Christ is an indescribable joy that cannot be imitated, replicated or reciprocated but if I'm honest, it can also feel lonely. Not because I'm single, although it does contribute to the issue, but because I'm in a very unique and rare place in life.

Describing that place is complicated but the point is that there aren't too many people that I feel I can relate to. I'm a 25 year old Afrocentric full time progressive Black preacher at a fairly traditional Baptist Church in Orange County, California who takes very seriously the responsibility I have to set an example but am also trying to be myself; a 25 year old single man. If you can't see how that would make for finding good friends, accountability partners and dates difficult, let me spell it out for you.

1. I work in Children's and Youth Ministry so I'm considerably older than all of those I minister to. Hard to relate.
2. At 25, I'm considerably younger than the other ministers, teachers and leaders in the church. Hard to relate.
3. Those that are my age are usually at a very confused stage in their Christian walks. Whether it's being against organized religion or "living by grace," a lot of us aren't trying to live the way God has called us to because it challenges us to be set apart from our peers. And no one wants to hang out with the guy who feels it's wrong to watch bootleg movies, only listens to Christian music and doesn't stay out too late because he generally has a church obligation the next morning. 
4. I live in Orange County but went to college at a Historically Black College (that most have never heard of out here) in Black Mecca and got a degree in African American Studies. All of that to say I love being Black and embrace that as part of who I am. That means that although I love everyone and am very close to plenty of people who aren't Black, I feel I relate most with other Blacks. There are two friends of mine in particular who I consider my brother and my sister but the truth is they'll never understand how I feel about situations like Ferguson, Donald Sterling or the n-word and it's not their fault, just the truth. 
5. Lastly, there are those out there who are like me; young, black, on fire for Christ etc. but they usually have one of these two issues preventing me from truly being able to relate to them:
1. They're married. And regardless of what anyone says, you become a different person when you're married. Well, you might be the same person but your priorities are different and if they line up with mine as a single man, you should probably reconsider what they are.
2. They don't live close to me. Especially since I've moved back to Orange County. Reread point 4 if you need to. 

In conclusion, the odds are stacked against me to surround my Self with like-minded individuals and it makes this walk lonely sometimes. I mean, I'm a living witness to what Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7 because my isolation gives me plenty of time for full time ministry but even he had homies who were doing what he was doing. 

But I'm going to stop my rant here because I don't want anyone to believe that life with Jesus is anything short of Paradise. He never ceases to amaze me and I wouldn't trade my relationship with him for anything in this world. I actually feel bad for those who don't know him the way that I do because words can't describe how incredible he truly is. But ultimately, Mali Music said it best:

at the end of the day, A man's all I am. Just like you, I got needs.
-No Fun Alone, "Mali is..."

Runaway Bride

The hardest thing I've ever done in my life was tell Christ, "I do."

Years ago, Christ asked me to marry Him and I said yes. It was a happy day and life seemed to just begin. I loved Him, went on dates with Him regularly and even held His hand in public. People knew I was with Him and I was unashamed of that. We would talk late at night, early in the morning and even in short bursts throughout the day. Life was everything other married people told me it would be...joyous, exciting, rewarding. He was the best groom anyone could ask for.

Until, one day He asked me to start acting like His bride. He wanted me to love Him the same way He loved me, to follow His lead and to put His wants over my own. He had expectations I was to meet that, quite honestly, I didn't feel like meeting. He wanted me not to cheat, to remember I belonged to Him even when I didn't think He was around. I was supposed to give up the other things that came between us and stop doing the things that hurt His feelings. All of a sudden, this amazing married life wasn't so amazing and this was not what I signed up for.

So I ran. I ran as far as I could go. I didn't even tell Him I was leaving. To make it worse, I had the nerve to call Him every now and then and promise I'd return and this sad Man actually believed me and told me He'd be waiting. But why would I want to go back to that life? I had everything I wanted without Him. I could do what I want, be who I want, be with who I want and feel nothing. The single life was everything other singles told me it would be...fun, free, careless.

Until, my single life put me in a situation I didn't want to be in. I was in trouble and all the singles in the world couldn't help me. Don't get me wrong, they tried but were incapable of saving me from my Self. Locked up, I made phone call after phone call until I called the only person left that I knew would answer, my Husband. I didn't want to call Him but I had nowhere else to turn. I just knew He would say, "I told you so" and remind me of all the warnings He gave me about trying to live without Him. I knew He would use the letters He wrote as evidence of His foresight and question me about why I didn't listen to Him the first time.

But He didn't. He didn't bring it up. He didn't even let me explain my Self. Before I could say anything He cut me off and said, I want to renew our vows. 
     Puzzled I asked Him to repeat Himself and He said again, I want to renew our vows. This trouble you are in will pass; I will save you from it but before it happens and you forget me again, I want to renew our vows.
     Speechless all I could mutter was, "Ok" and He began the ceremony right then and there.

Do you promise to love me with all your heart, all your mind and all your soul? I Do.

Do you promise to put me above above anyone and anything in this world? I Do.

Do you promise to do as I say and follow my lead? I Do.

Do you promise to trust that I always want what's best for you? I Do.

Do you promise to love me whether Rich or Poor? I Do.

Do you promise to love me whether Healthy or Sick? I Do.

Do you promise to love me whether Happy or Sad? I Do.

Do you promise to love me even when you don't feel like it? I Do.

Do you promise to love me even if it means giving up something or someone you love? I. Do.

That day, I finally understood what it meant to be married to Christ. I didn't become a good bride automatically but every day I tried to be a better bride than the day before. Even today, I do all that I can to stick to the vows I made to Him that night. I make sacrifices, I follow Him when I don't know where it will lead and I've given up things that I love but, this time I know what I signed up for when I said, "I Do."

Being married to Christ hasn't always been easy but it's sure been rewarding. Watching how people are blessed by Him through me never ceases to amaze me. He and I laugh about it all the time when we think about where I've come from. But not only has He blessed me in more tangible ways than I could name, but He's taught me to be a blessing to my future wife. She will have a man who knows what it's like to be a bride. A man who knows what it's like to want my own way and believe the world revolves around me. A man who knows what it's like to say things I don't mean and mean things I don't say. A man who knows what's like to expect to receive the world but gives a city in return. And if my future wife is any of those things or more, I'm a man who has been shown the example of how to love unconditionally with patience, kindness and forgiveness. All of this to say, 

The best thing I've ever done in my life was tell Christ, "I do."

Self Conscious

Welcome to Self Conscious. 

I want to begin by saying this blog honestly has no purpose...well at least no external purpose. This blog will simply be a chance to just jot down the things that I stay up late thinking about or daydream in staff meetings about, (don't share this with Pastor Curry). With all the teaching and ministry that I do, I'm using this as an opportunity to be myself without the pressure of feeling there has to be a message or a lesson learned. This is the one place where I get to be selfish and do this just for me, hence the title.

Now don't get me wrong, I love what I do for a living. Ministry gives me a high that nothing else in this world ever has, (I'm sure that'll be an entry one day). The truth is, however, that ministry can be lonely. Even with friends & family, it's hard for me to share everything that goes through my mind because I'm never sure people will understand. God is the best friend I could ever have, but even He does things I'll never understand so I'm back at square one.

All of that to say, this is for me and I'm not ashamed of that. As with anything I do, I pray someone is blessed by what (or Who) they see in me but if all anyone does is judge me, I'll be at peace knowing I have a place where I can be transparent.

So without further ado, my first blog entry. A short poem recently drafted titled Self Conscious.

Self Conscious

She makes me self conscious, 
She shakes my self's confidence. 
Every text I send, every picture I post, 
I wonder if I'm doing enough; I wonder if I'm doing the most. 
I'm so infatuated with her I'm determined not to fail.
So I have thoughts run thru my mind but I'm determined not to tell. 
I fear that if she knew what God told me she'd be scared. 
Or worse for my self conscious, I fear she wouldn't care. 
So I keep them to my Self and continue to play it safe
To keep control of where this goes and limit my mistakes. 
She makes me self conscious, 
And it shakes my self's confidence. 

She has me Self conscious 
So that I see my Self honest. 
Trying to improve to be the best that I can be 
So as she gets to know my Self, she’ll be impressed with he. 
I want to be the kind of man she didn’t know exists; 
A loving man, a leading man, a man whose heart is His.
Unconcerned with worldly treasures, swayed not by temptation;
A man whose only passion is to meet God's expectations.
My Self’s a better man of God since he first heard her name.
My Self won’t let my life be why her Self won’t hear the same. 
Because she has me Self conscious 
I live to keep my Self honest.

Now I'm SELF conscious, 
Knowing my Self's helpless. 
I've been leaning on my SELF thinkin he had all control 
But believing in my 'self' means that HE has no role. 
There's nothing I can do that's devoid of God's Will, 
So I've learned to give it all to Him and now I'm being still. 
Never being idle but just trusting Him to lead, 
Knowing I may lose some wants but He'll supply my needs. 
I don't know if she's for me or what the future holds, 
But if I am to let God work, my Self has to let go.  
I'm proudly SELF conscious, 
Accepting my Self's helpless. 

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20 NLT