Welcome to Self Conscious.
I want to begin by saying this blog honestly has no purpose...well at least no external purpose. This blog will simply be a chance to just jot down the things that I stay up late thinking about or daydream in staff meetings about, (don't share this with Pastor Curry). With all the teaching and ministry that I do, I'm using this as an opportunity to be myself without the pressure of feeling there has to be a message or a lesson learned. This is the one place where I get to be selfish and do this just for me, hence the title.
Now don't get me wrong, I love what I do for a living. Ministry gives me a high that nothing else in this world ever has, (I'm sure that'll be an entry one day). The truth is, however, that ministry can be lonely. Even with friends & family, it's hard for me to share everything that goes through my mind because I'm never sure people will understand. God is the best friend I could ever have, but even He does things I'll never understand so I'm back at square one.
All of that to say, this is for me and I'm not ashamed of that. As with anything I do, I pray someone is blessed by what (or Who) they see in me but if all anyone does is judge me, I'll be at peace knowing I have a place where I can be transparent.
So without further ado, my first blog entry. A short poem recently drafted titled Self Conscious.
Self Conscious
She makes me self conscious,
She shakes my self's confidence.
Every text I send, every picture I post,
I wonder if I'm doing enough; I wonder if I'm doing the most.
I'm so infatuated with her I'm determined not to fail.
So I have thoughts run thru my mind but I'm determined not to tell.
I fear that if she knew what God told me she'd be scared.
Or worse for my self conscious, I fear she wouldn't care.
So I keep them to my Self and continue to play it safe
To keep control of where this goes and limit my mistakes.
She makes me self conscious,
And it shakes my self's confidence.
She has me Self conscious
So that I see my Self honest.
Trying to improve to be the best that I can be
So as she gets to know my Self, she’ll be impressed with he.
I want to be the kind of man she didn’t know exists;
A loving man, a leading man, a man whose heart is His.
Unconcerned with worldly treasures, swayed not by temptation;
A man whose only passion is to meet God's expectations.
My Self’s a better man of God since he first heard her name.
My Self won’t let my life be why her Self won’t hear the same.
Because she has me Self conscious
I live to keep my Self honest.
Now I'm SELF conscious,
Knowing my Self's helpless.
I've been leaning on my SELF thinkin he had all control
But believing in my 'self' means that HE has no role.
There's nothing I can do that's devoid of God's Will,
So I've learned to give it all to Him and now I'm being still.
Never being idle but just trusting Him to lead,
Knowing I may lose some wants but He'll supply my needs.
I don't know if she's for me or what the future holds,
But if I am to let God work, my Self has to let go.
I'm proudly SELF conscious,
Accepting my Self's helpless.
She shakes my self's confidence.
Every text I send, every picture I post,
I wonder if I'm doing enough; I wonder if I'm doing the most.
I'm so infatuated with her I'm determined not to fail.
So I have thoughts run thru my mind but I'm determined not to tell.
I fear that if she knew what God told me she'd be scared.
Or worse for my self conscious, I fear she wouldn't care.
So I keep them to my Self and continue to play it safe
To keep control of where this goes and limit my mistakes.
She makes me self conscious,
And it shakes my self's confidence.
She has me Self conscious
So that I see my Self honest.
Trying to improve to be the best that I can be
So as she gets to know my Self, she’ll be impressed with he.
I want to be the kind of man she didn’t know exists;
A loving man, a leading man, a man whose heart is His.
Unconcerned with worldly treasures, swayed not by temptation;
A man whose only passion is to meet God's expectations.
My Self’s a better man of God since he first heard her name.
My Self won’t let my life be why her Self won’t hear the same.
Because she has me Self conscious
I live to keep my Self honest.
Now I'm SELF conscious,
Knowing my Self's helpless.
I've been leaning on my SELF thinkin he had all control
But believing in my 'self' means that HE has no role.
There's nothing I can do that's devoid of God's Will,
So I've learned to give it all to Him and now I'm being still.
Never being idle but just trusting Him to lead,
Knowing I may lose some wants but He'll supply my needs.
I don't know if she's for me or what the future holds,
But if I am to let God work, my Self has to let go.
I'm proudly SELF conscious,
Accepting my Self's helpless.
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