Glory Days

"No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead," Philippians 3:13

 

When I look back on all God has brought me from, I miss it...

Last week, I had a friend from college and his girlfriend in town from DC and Boston, respectively. We took her to Roscoe's for the first time, they visited my church on Sunday (which I truly appreciated) and we spent a night on Hollywood Blvd just catching up. It was great to see my friend doing well and to know that life was going the way he wanted it to.

And every time my friends from college get together, it's a must that we spend a few moments reminiscing on some of the stupid things we did during our four years together at Morehouse College. It's one of our favorite pastimes to talk about the past times and wonder how we made it out of that school in one piece. I won't begin to share all of the reckless and irresponsible things we talk about but I will say I noticed a slight difference this week when my friend and I shared stories; it wasn't as much fun as it was embarrassing.

You see, prior to this instance, I loved talking about my Self in college. I used to wear stories like #IfTheyGunnedMeDown on my chest like an "I Survived <insert random intense rollercoaster here>" shirt. I got excited, riled up and down right boastful as I shared about my close calls with alcohol, women and violence. Those were the glory days of my life; those were the days when I had friends, I had fun and I fit in.

Even when I first told Jesus "I Do," I looked back at the glory days with envy. I missed them. I missed the freedom from conviction, the lack of responsibility and the stories I could tell the next day. If you can't tell already, I love telling a good story and people seemed to pay more attention to me when I talked about the crazy things I did versus how God changed me. But even as I write this I feel like I'm deflecting if I credit the attention others gave me for my love of the glory days. Deep down, I think my Self truly wanted to go back to living the way I did back then.

But boy, is that stupid. You see, before this week the enemy had my Self confused about how "glorious" those days really were. Because although I had fun times and crazy stories, I had to remind my Self that those same "glory days" were also some of the worst days of my life. It seemed My Self had forgotten that I was homeless from March through August of 2010. Or that I was poor and dependent on parents and roommates to survive almost that entire time. Or that I wasn't even allowed to vote in the 2012 Presidential election because technically I was a convicted felon while going through my pre-trial program. My Self also forgot the times when we battled depression and went days without getting out of bad, let alone the house. I could go on and on about the nadir period of my life that I called my glory days but the point is, I was lied to.

But thanks to no one else but God, I now live in the true Glory days. Now that I live for God's Glory, life has never been the same. My life isn't perfect, but when I renewed my vows with Christ, my behavior wasn't the only thing that changed. I immediately began to see God bless me in both the Spiritual and the natural and He hasn't stopped yet. If I just consider the last two months alone since I've moved to California, I realize that life with Christ is better than it ever was during the glory days.

So, it's for that reason that I no longer envy my college Self. He can keep the women, the parties, the alcohol and the stories. I don't want any of it because as long as I have Christ, I know I'm living the real Glory Days.

When I look back on all God has brought me from, I praise Him!

Soul Food

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not exactly excited to be giving away $400.

On July, 4, 2014 I walked into my parents house after spending the day with my favorite family in Yorba Linda, the Straughters. My brother was sitting downstairs watching the Wawa Welcome America 4th of July Jam on television and we began talking about music festivals in Philadelphia. One thing lead to another and in a spur of the moment decision, I bought two tickets to Made In America Music Festival in Los Angeles for Jameel and I to attend Labor Day weekend. Excited, we spent the rest of night going through the lineup and discussing how we would approach the weekend and it looked like another brotherly adventure was in the works.

Then I woke up the next morning,
Was I dreaming?
realized I had just spent $400 to go see a list of artists I don't even listen to when it's free,
What was I thinking? What a waste of money? 
and I immediately started trying to justify why I would still go anyway.
I mean, I'm not gonna throw away $400. At least it will be some quality time with Jameel. I know it means a lot to him. 
But ever since then, I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I shouldn't be going to Made In America.

See, music and I have a complicated relationship. I love her, but she has an influence on me unlike anyone or anything else in this world. I mean, I'm about as whipped as they come because I'd pretty much do anything she tells me to. Even when it doesn't make sense, I tend to follow her lead and mimic her ways. And it's always been that way. I still remember being 5'6", 145 pounds wearing 3X Tall Pro Club White Tees just because Dem Franchize Boyz told me to. Foolish, I know.

But it took me awhile to realize that music had me wrapped around her finger that way. I didn't quite get that I started cussing shortly after getting to college and downloading the unedited version of every club song I could find. I didn't always associate what I wanted from women with having a playlist full of artists like 112 and Ne-Yo. Nor did I understand that I was significantly more hostile after adding a variety of Philly rappers to my library. It was only through some honest Self examination that I came to the conclusion that music does more than speak to my soul, it feeds it.

It's for this reason I don't willingly listen to secular music. Obviously, I can't avoid it all but I'm very conscious about what I feed my Self. I found it's easier to avoid sin when I continually feed my soul with godly music. I always tell my teenagers when the conversation of sex comes up, if you really want to kill 'the mood', start playing Jesus Be a Fence. If you want to avoid road rage, listen to Happy by Tasha Cobbs while you drive. If you want to fight the temptation of smoking weed, listen to Lecrae's Blow Your High next time you want to roll up. By feeding my soul with God, it leaves little room for Satan to reside.

But not only does this Soul Food keep me away from sin, it draws me closer to God. I've found it's easier to be obedient when I spend my morning listening to Say Yes by Shekinah Glory. It's easier to be humble when I meditate on What Can I Do by Tye Tribbett. And to remember God expects me to choose a side, I listen to Da' Truth's Gray. So music and I have an understanding that what she feeds me has to be positive because it's been proven I am what I eat. Any other message she feeds me contributes to the high cholesterol that is the sin living in me.

And that's why I won't be attending Made In America this weekend. Not because it's a sin to go or because it will make me sin; I don't believe either of those to be true. But because if I go and indulge in the soul food that these artists have to offer, it will be a step backwards and I'm determined to keep Moving Forward. 

But I won't lie, I'm still not exactly excited to be out $400.

#IfTheyGunnedMeDown

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah  29:11

Before I was a man. Before I was a preacher. Before I told Jesus, "I do," I was a dumb college kid.

March 9, 2010 I was on Spring Break in Daytona Beach, Florida. My group of friends and I were determined to "make a movie" that week and were well prepared with alcohol and ill-intentions. I was one of the worst ones, abusing privileges and grace to purchase liquor at a discounted price and stay in a two-bedroom resort-style hotel using my Mom's timeshare points with a mindset about as far from Holy as possible.

I need to pause for two points.

1. Mom please forgive me for the entire tone of this post. I apologize for the way that I abused your generosity and even lied to you in some regards about this story. I pray that you know I've grown a lot from that day and will never do anything like it again. I'm truly sorry.
2. I want to take a moment to celebrate the Little League World Series team from Chicago for winning the United States Championship! It's great to see young black boys from that city shown in a positive light. But I digress...

On Tuesday, March 9, 2010, those ill-intentions reared their ugly head as we prepared to go out to the club that night. Well intoxicated, we caught a taxi to The Coliseum for the Girls Gone Wild party. Excitedly, we walked into the packed club ready to enjoy ourselves and enjoy ourselves we did. I, however, wasn't satisfied with a typical night and decided to take it up a notch by jumping on stage to dance with the girls who were performing. I quickly found out that wasn't allowed as I was dragged off stage and out the backdoor. Again, well intoxicated, I wasn't phased by it one bit so I walked around the building and back through the front door.

A few hours later, I was ready to go so I drifted to the back of the club where there was less commotion. I immediately sent a "Ready?" text to the homies and started talking to a couple friends who came to the party with us. Shortly after, I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and immediately recognized them as the bouncers who threw me out hours earlier. After a short back and forth in which I pretended I wasn't me, it became obvious to me that I was going to be thrown out again.

The next 5 minutes of this story are still very blurry. I know that I was snatched up, I know I didn't like it, and I know I began to get violent with the bouncers. I know shortly after that I was face first on concrete outside of the club being choked out. I know shortly after that I was flat on my back and someone was trying to break my finger. And I know after that I was being tazed...twice. Everything in between that happened so fast that I still can't explain how it escalated so quickly but once I was tazed it finally hit me that I may be in trouble.

In short, I was. I quickly surrendered, and was placed in the back of a police car and later charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest with violence and battery on a law enforcement officer (two felonies and a misdemeanor). The story about God's unmerited favor and how I avoided conviction is for another day but watching what's happened across this country to young Black men made me think...

What if they gunned me down?
What if instead of a tazer, they used a gun?
What if they claimed they were fearful for their life?
What if they believed lethal force was the only way to subdue me? 

If they gunned me down, the man of God that I've become from my experience that night would not be sitting here typing this today. That night singlehandedly changed my life but it also could have ended it. I never would have graduated Morehouse College, accepted my calling to preach or become the Youth Pastor at both Destiny World Church and Friendship Baptist Church. My parents would have that night as their last memory of me, not to mention all of the dishonorable acts that took place in the months leading up to it. They would have never been able to see me truly grow up, turn my life around and become the man they believed I would be.

The worst part of each of these young Black men's deaths is that they'll never have the opportunity to turn their life around the way I've been able to. We'll never know if they could have been teachers, preachers, business men, lawyers, fathers, mentors, coaches, doctors or just better men because that opportunity was taken from them when others took their life. Regardless of the circumstances leading up to it, not one of the these young boys that we fill our timelines with deserved to die. Actions have consequences, I know, but taking someone's life is beyond cruel and unusual punishment. Let's continue to fight until every human being's life is valued because we never know what that life could become.

#IfTheyGunnedMeDown I would have never become the man I am today.

Alone in Paradise

Her: Do you ever feel like the more personal and intimate your relationship with Jesus becomes the more you feel isolated from the world?

Self: Absolutely. 

It was the only word I could think of at the time to accurately describe how I felt but she had no idea how much my soul jumped up and down in excited agreement. Finally, I thought, someone gets it! It was good just to know that I'm not the only one. Because every now and then, when I rant to my Self about this topic, he tries to convince me that I'm overreacting, complaining too much and really, just being soft. But I feel I have a legitimate argument that Paradise can be lonely sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I fully believe that there is no place I'd rather be than at the foot of Christ as Mary was in Luke 10. Being in love with Christ is an indescribable joy that cannot be imitated, replicated or reciprocated but if I'm honest, it can also feel lonely. Not because I'm single, although it does contribute to the issue, but because I'm in a very unique and rare place in life.

Describing that place is complicated but the point is that there aren't too many people that I feel I can relate to. I'm a 25 year old Afrocentric full time progressive Black preacher at a fairly traditional Baptist Church in Orange County, California who takes very seriously the responsibility I have to set an example but am also trying to be myself; a 25 year old single man. If you can't see how that would make for finding good friends, accountability partners and dates difficult, let me spell it out for you.

1. I work in Children's and Youth Ministry so I'm considerably older than all of those I minister to. Hard to relate.
2. At 25, I'm considerably younger than the other ministers, teachers and leaders in the church. Hard to relate.
3. Those that are my age are usually at a very confused stage in their Christian walks. Whether it's being against organized religion or "living by grace," a lot of us aren't trying to live the way God has called us to because it challenges us to be set apart from our peers. And no one wants to hang out with the guy who feels it's wrong to watch bootleg movies, only listens to Christian music and doesn't stay out too late because he generally has a church obligation the next morning. 
4. I live in Orange County but went to college at a Historically Black College (that most have never heard of out here) in Black Mecca and got a degree in African American Studies. All of that to say I love being Black and embrace that as part of who I am. That means that although I love everyone and am very close to plenty of people who aren't Black, I feel I relate most with other Blacks. There are two friends of mine in particular who I consider my brother and my sister but the truth is they'll never understand how I feel about situations like Ferguson, Donald Sterling or the n-word and it's not their fault, just the truth. 
5. Lastly, there are those out there who are like me; young, black, on fire for Christ etc. but they usually have one of these two issues preventing me from truly being able to relate to them:
1. They're married. And regardless of what anyone says, you become a different person when you're married. Well, you might be the same person but your priorities are different and if they line up with mine as a single man, you should probably reconsider what they are.
2. They don't live close to me. Especially since I've moved back to Orange County. Reread point 4 if you need to. 

In conclusion, the odds are stacked against me to surround my Self with like-minded individuals and it makes this walk lonely sometimes. I mean, I'm a living witness to what Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7 because my isolation gives me plenty of time for full time ministry but even he had homies who were doing what he was doing. 

But I'm going to stop my rant here because I don't want anyone to believe that life with Jesus is anything short of Paradise. He never ceases to amaze me and I wouldn't trade my relationship with him for anything in this world. I actually feel bad for those who don't know him the way that I do because words can't describe how incredible he truly is. But ultimately, Mali Music said it best:

at the end of the day, A man's all I am. Just like you, I got needs.
-No Fun Alone, "Mali is..."

Runaway Bride

The hardest thing I've ever done in my life was tell Christ, "I do."

Years ago, Christ asked me to marry Him and I said yes. It was a happy day and life seemed to just begin. I loved Him, went on dates with Him regularly and even held His hand in public. People knew I was with Him and I was unashamed of that. We would talk late at night, early in the morning and even in short bursts throughout the day. Life was everything other married people told me it would be...joyous, exciting, rewarding. He was the best groom anyone could ask for.

Until, one day He asked me to start acting like His bride. He wanted me to love Him the same way He loved me, to follow His lead and to put His wants over my own. He had expectations I was to meet that, quite honestly, I didn't feel like meeting. He wanted me not to cheat, to remember I belonged to Him even when I didn't think He was around. I was supposed to give up the other things that came between us and stop doing the things that hurt His feelings. All of a sudden, this amazing married life wasn't so amazing and this was not what I signed up for.

So I ran. I ran as far as I could go. I didn't even tell Him I was leaving. To make it worse, I had the nerve to call Him every now and then and promise I'd return and this sad Man actually believed me and told me He'd be waiting. But why would I want to go back to that life? I had everything I wanted without Him. I could do what I want, be who I want, be with who I want and feel nothing. The single life was everything other singles told me it would be...fun, free, careless.

Until, my single life put me in a situation I didn't want to be in. I was in trouble and all the singles in the world couldn't help me. Don't get me wrong, they tried but were incapable of saving me from my Self. Locked up, I made phone call after phone call until I called the only person left that I knew would answer, my Husband. I didn't want to call Him but I had nowhere else to turn. I just knew He would say, "I told you so" and remind me of all the warnings He gave me about trying to live without Him. I knew He would use the letters He wrote as evidence of His foresight and question me about why I didn't listen to Him the first time.

But He didn't. He didn't bring it up. He didn't even let me explain my Self. Before I could say anything He cut me off and said, I want to renew our vows. 
     Puzzled I asked Him to repeat Himself and He said again, I want to renew our vows. This trouble you are in will pass; I will save you from it but before it happens and you forget me again, I want to renew our vows.
     Speechless all I could mutter was, "Ok" and He began the ceremony right then and there.

Do you promise to love me with all your heart, all your mind and all your soul? I Do.

Do you promise to put me above above anyone and anything in this world? I Do.

Do you promise to do as I say and follow my lead? I Do.

Do you promise to trust that I always want what's best for you? I Do.

Do you promise to love me whether Rich or Poor? I Do.

Do you promise to love me whether Healthy or Sick? I Do.

Do you promise to love me whether Happy or Sad? I Do.

Do you promise to love me even when you don't feel like it? I Do.

Do you promise to love me even if it means giving up something or someone you love? I. Do.

That day, I finally understood what it meant to be married to Christ. I didn't become a good bride automatically but every day I tried to be a better bride than the day before. Even today, I do all that I can to stick to the vows I made to Him that night. I make sacrifices, I follow Him when I don't know where it will lead and I've given up things that I love but, this time I know what I signed up for when I said, "I Do."

Being married to Christ hasn't always been easy but it's sure been rewarding. Watching how people are blessed by Him through me never ceases to amaze me. He and I laugh about it all the time when we think about where I've come from. But not only has He blessed me in more tangible ways than I could name, but He's taught me to be a blessing to my future wife. She will have a man who knows what it's like to be a bride. A man who knows what it's like to want my own way and believe the world revolves around me. A man who knows what it's like to say things I don't mean and mean things I don't say. A man who knows what's like to expect to receive the world but gives a city in return. And if my future wife is any of those things or more, I'm a man who has been shown the example of how to love unconditionally with patience, kindness and forgiveness. All of this to say, 

The best thing I've ever done in my life was tell Christ, "I do."

Self Conscious

Welcome to Self Conscious. 

I want to begin by saying this blog honestly has no purpose...well at least no external purpose. This blog will simply be a chance to just jot down the things that I stay up late thinking about or daydream in staff meetings about, (don't share this with Pastor Curry). With all the teaching and ministry that I do, I'm using this as an opportunity to be myself without the pressure of feeling there has to be a message or a lesson learned. This is the one place where I get to be selfish and do this just for me, hence the title.

Now don't get me wrong, I love what I do for a living. Ministry gives me a high that nothing else in this world ever has, (I'm sure that'll be an entry one day). The truth is, however, that ministry can be lonely. Even with friends & family, it's hard for me to share everything that goes through my mind because I'm never sure people will understand. God is the best friend I could ever have, but even He does things I'll never understand so I'm back at square one.

All of that to say, this is for me and I'm not ashamed of that. As with anything I do, I pray someone is blessed by what (or Who) they see in me but if all anyone does is judge me, I'll be at peace knowing I have a place where I can be transparent.

So without further ado, my first blog entry. A short poem recently drafted titled Self Conscious.

Self Conscious

She makes me self conscious, 
She shakes my self's confidence. 
Every text I send, every picture I post, 
I wonder if I'm doing enough; I wonder if I'm doing the most. 
I'm so infatuated with her I'm determined not to fail.
So I have thoughts run thru my mind but I'm determined not to tell. 
I fear that if she knew what God told me she'd be scared. 
Or worse for my self conscious, I fear she wouldn't care. 
So I keep them to my Self and continue to play it safe
To keep control of where this goes and limit my mistakes. 
She makes me self conscious, 
And it shakes my self's confidence. 

She has me Self conscious 
So that I see my Self honest. 
Trying to improve to be the best that I can be 
So as she gets to know my Self, she’ll be impressed with he. 
I want to be the kind of man she didn’t know exists; 
A loving man, a leading man, a man whose heart is His.
Unconcerned with worldly treasures, swayed not by temptation;
A man whose only passion is to meet God's expectations.
My Self’s a better man of God since he first heard her name.
My Self won’t let my life be why her Self won’t hear the same. 
Because she has me Self conscious 
I live to keep my Self honest.

Now I'm SELF conscious, 
Knowing my Self's helpless. 
I've been leaning on my SELF thinkin he had all control 
But believing in my 'self' means that HE has no role. 
There's nothing I can do that's devoid of God's Will, 
So I've learned to give it all to Him and now I'm being still. 
Never being idle but just trusting Him to lead, 
Knowing I may lose some wants but He'll supply my needs. 
I don't know if she's for me or what the future holds, 
But if I am to let God work, my Self has to let go.  
I'm proudly SELF conscious, 
Accepting my Self's helpless. 

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20 NLT